Friday, October 14, 2011


OK, this recipe post is from a few years ago, but I thought I'd put it up again since Halloween is coming up and we are planning a pumpkin-carving party for this weekend. Enjoy, mwahahahahhah!
We live off the beaten path in a development peopled mostly by retirees, so we don’t get trick-or-treaters.  But I love Halloween and dressing up and doing spooky stuff. So, even though it was a work night and we’d gotten our official Halloween party-going done the weekend before, I decided I still had to make a night of it. I dressed up in black, lit some candles, turned on Bach’s Toccata and Fugue, and set about cooking up something really grisly!
What transpired (“expired”!?) was our first ever Pumpkin Dismemberment Party and the invention of “(SERIAL)KILLER” PUMPKIN MASH. (We've been working our way through the first season of "Dexter" on Netflix...)

We lovingly created Smokin’ Jack, our angry little jack-o-lantern, tried (and failed) to set him on fire (we didn’t realize both the food and the alcohol had to be hot for flambĂ©ing), cooked him, dismembered him, mashed him, and later ate him while watching our next “Dexter” DVD. Heh.

This recipe will work well for Thanksgiving, too. Stressed out at the idea of having to dine with family? Buy a half dozen pie pumpkins and vent your frustrations while making your very own “KILLER” PUMPKIN MASH! Just think how fun it will be to carve a pumpkin that looks just like your annoying weasel of a brother…and how satisfying to gut, burn, dismember, and pulp the insufferable little bugger! By the time your family Turkey Day celebration gets into full swing, you’ll have blown off all that steam. Plus, you’ll get to cackle maniacally as you dish out a dollop of your delicious evil-doing to each member of your family…

Haha. Well, enough of that. Here’s the “recipe. “ Be forewarned, I made this up as I went, so the amounts are only estimates. If you are doing this with kids, PLEASE skip the fire part!!

mashed pumpkin from 1 medium pie pumpkin
¾ -1 cup whole milk (use  ½ and ½ or cream for a richer taste)
¼ cup B grade maple syrup (the real stuff!)
¼ cup salted margarine or butter
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 tablespoon cinnamon
½ teaspoon nutmeg
toasted slivered almonds
dark brown sugar
spiced rum

1.       Cover your entire kitchen (except the stove and other hot bits) in plastic wrap and sheeting, ala “Dexter”. This makes for easy cleaning, but is not very environmentally friendly. If you are concerned about the environment, buy that plastic stuff that’s made out of wheat field stubble or corn cellulose or whatever. (Lots of handy products for the eco-minded squash killer can be found in the reference section of this blog…)
2.       Draw your face of choice on your victim, AKA “a medium pie pumpkin”.
3.       Carefully insert a sturdy knife into the top (“stem side”) of the victim’s head, cutting out a round section.
4.        Scoop guts (brains?) out and set aside. (Use for pumpkin seed snacks or compost. The worms in my two worm composting bins just love squash guts.)
5.       Carve your victim’s face. Show no mercy - all pumpkins deserve ultimate pain and terror! Hahahahahahah!!! Die, pumpkins, die!!!!! Erhem…
6.       Preheat oven to 375°F. Set the carved and bleeding victim on a tray. Give a nice little tour of the baking facilities while taunting and telling how the victim’s just won a visit to your primo tanning bed…oil the cavity inside the victim’s hollow carved head with the veg oil and…
7.       Bake victim for about 1½  hours. Victim is “done” when he starts slumping dejectedly and looks slightly charred on top. When poked with a fork, victim should feel squishy. (After the first 45 minutes, check pumpkin for doneness every 15 minutes. Depending on the size of your oven, stature of your pumpkin, and amount of flesh you’ve carved away, the pumpkin may need more or less time to cook.)
8.       Take victim outside while still smokin’ hot. Set on a fire-proof surface.  Follow instructions for flambĂ©ing, such as those provided by Food24. Pour flaming alcohol into the carved-out cavity and STEP BACK. Victim should burn for a few minutes, nicely searing flesh inside to a golden brown. Clap a lid over the victim before he’s charred into a pun’kin-puck.
9.       (Optional: if you can’t get your pumpkin to light, just go on to the next step. Then put the dismembered pieces back in the oven on an oiled tray - flesh side down - and bake for another 20 minutes.)
10.   Allow victim to cool in the night air for several minutes. Just when the victim starts beginning to think he might get out of this alive, haul him back inside and quickly hack him into pieces with a cleaver or large carving knife. Cackling insanely all the while, of course.
11.   Peel skin from cooked, dismembered flesh. Put flesh in a large mixing bowl and violently mash to an even consistency. This part is very satisfying! Just try not to break any crockery, cooking implements, or countertops with the force of your blows.
12.   Add butter, cinnamon, and nutmeg and mix wildly, spattering bits of flesh all over your carefully plastic-wrapped kitchen.
13.   Add maple syrup and milk. Fling more mashed flesh around - though not too much, or you won’t have enough for later.
14.   Scoop resulting pumpkin pulp into individual serving bowls.
15.   Garnish with a generous splash of spiced rum, dark brown sugar, and slivered almonds.
16.   Serve to your horrified family/friends/housemates.
17.   Eat the evidence!

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